Loneliness

This loneliness is hard

Somehow we are not created for this

I bump into walls impenetrable

I long for a place to gather and pray

I long for a sister mighty to lead in prayer

But there is no one

Thinking of it, its not easy to lead

The one who leads should be the one who serves

And no one is willing to serve, not even me

I am waiting for the classes to start

When I will have work to do

Being idle is wrecking my soul

It makes me bitter and angry

But I understand that all these things are only fleeting

I understand people better now

I know what they will say

All the silly things they say about me

They want you to be perfect 

While they themselves have all the reasons in the world to be imperfect

But my loneliness still remains

My frustrations are vented on my kids

I wish I could be a more responsible mother

I wish this season would soon pass

A good fellowship is needed for a peaceful life

But if you can't find one 

You need to go through this phase

The loneliness phase

The waiting Phase

Though it causes me to moan and groan

I will go through it

Though it causes me to ignore my kids and the blessings of God in my life

I will go through it

I will go through this fire of loneliness

And I would again choose God over man

I will choose Him all over again!

Update:

I wrote this blog on July 23, 2024. I was having a hard time during the summer break and these words came out of my heart. But on July 26, 2024 - just 3 days later after I wrote, "I choose God over man", I got a message from someone asking me to serve kids in their ministry. Isn't that awesome. God helped me find the way and walk in it. Thank you God:)